One of the strongest human desires is to feel understood. People want others to see their good intentions, recognize their thoughts and struggles, and empathize with their choices. This desire for understanding is rooted in a need for validation and belonging. Social creatures thrive when they feel safe, valued, and accepted, but these feelings do not always come easily.
In one relationship, a person felt unsafe because the other individual never tried to understand them. The other person often assumed the worst, belittled beliefs and opinions, and made fun of attempts to share thoughts and feelings. This behavior minimized the person’s perspective and self-worth, creating deep hurt. The pain of feeling invalidated often turns into anger, leading to arguments, crying, and attempts to force understanding.
The realization came that trying to force someone to be who they should be is less effective than being that person yourself. In this case, that meant understanding the person who would not understand. The insight was that for some people, separation feels safer than closeness. The person who seemed unwilling to embrace understanding might have been unable to let others in due to past pains.
Digging deeper revealed unresolved traumas that led to feelings of shame and vulnerability. These feelings hardened into a need to appear strong and impenetrable. When someone is impenetrable, not much can get in, including new ideas or attempts at deep connection. The pain of rarely understanding anyone because letting someone into your heart hurts is significant. The person may be shut down to everyone or specific triggers from their past.
An article about contentious relationships between women and their mothers-in-law provided an example. A mother-in-law complained about her daughter-in-law’s couch, and the author suggested she may have been raped on a similar couch. This illustrates that everyone has secret pains that manifest in hurtful behaviors. The person acknowledged having shut people out because they triggered painful feelings. Understanding this does not justify disrespect or mistreatment, but choosing understanding can be the key.
The best thing to say to someone who does not understand you is, “I understand that you can’t understand.” This means accepting the other person where they are, even without knowing their specific history. There is always some explanation, a web of past events and psychological factors, that makes them who they are. This approach is not easy. It requires creating boundaries, such as avoiding specific conversations or creating physical distance in the relationship.
It also requires pausing before reacting impulsively or in anger. The person must mourn and let go of the relationship they hoped to have, offering compassion that may never be returned. Choosing to be the change you wish to see makes it less important that everyone else understands you, because you know you are coming from a place of love and integrity. This provides a strong foundation for navigating a world full of hurt people who are not ready or able to love.
