Ultra-independence is a coping mechanism developed when people learn it is not safe to trust love or when they are terrified to lose themselves in another. They are not meant to go it alone. They are wounded in relationship and they heal in relationship.
Some people feel they have to do everything on their own. They find it difficult to ask for and receive help for fear of being let down. Ultra-independence may be a trauma response. For many, this way of being was a survival strategy that kept them safe, but it also led to loneliness and constant anxiety. It wore them out physically because they thought they had to do everything themselves.
People often become ultra-independent because they do not trust others or they may not feel worthy of being loved and supported. They may believe that by denying support from others and doing things themselves they will gain love and acceptance because they are not being a burden. Maintaining connections and receiving support from others are basic human needs. When someone says they do not need anybody, that often comes from a part of themselves that wants to protect them from hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection.
When people consider the possibility of wanting, needing, or receiving support from other people, something inside may say it is not safe, so they keep those thoughts at bay. They may think that if they ask for anything then they are weak or too needy, and that is codependency. But people are not meant to do everything on their own; there is such a thing as healthy interdependence. Ultra-independence may also be an extreme unspoken boundary, so learning how to set healthy boundaries is important so people can feel safe in situations where they thought they would lose themselves.
Sometimes people feel the need to be ultra-independent because they do not feel safe being vulnerable and letting people in. If they do, others may see their flaws and insecurities or trigger their unresolved traumas and wounds. They may be carrying deep shame and do not want to feel it or have others see it, so they stay away from connecting with and receiving support from other human beings. One of the hardest things to understand is that although people have been hurt in relationships, in supportive relationships they can experience healing and a sense of safety.
One person shared her story of struggling with ultra-independence. In her relationships she often experienced criticism, hurt, rejection, and being screamed at for having natural human feelings and needs. A part of her wanted support and connections, but another part was afraid because as a child it made her father angry when she asked for anything. It was hard living in a world where she felt all alone, believing she had to do everything on her own while watching everyone else receive support and connect with their family and friends.
For her, being ultra-independent eventually led to denying and suppressing her needs and feelings because it got too overwhelming to try to do everything on her own, especially at such a young age. At age fifteen she became anorexic, and she struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for over twenty-three years. In the midst of that, at age twenty, she let her guard down and got a boyfriend who she thought loved her because he bought her anything she wanted, but there were strings attached. If she did not do what he wanted, he would take back the gifts. He became obsessed with her, waited outside of her house when she would not talk to him, and would draw her in again with gifts and words of seduction. This left her confused. She wondered if she only received support and things when she was a slave to somebody. After she finally broke up with him, she made a vow to herself that she would never receive anything from anyone again.
She got the opportunity to heal that vow later in her life when she went to Palm Springs with a friend. They were playing slot machines, and he put in $20. She told him it was his money if they won. They won $200 on the first spin, and he told her to cash out because she won. When she cashed out, she chased him around the casino trying to put the money in his pocket. She did not want to receive from him because she thought then she would owe him and he would own her. He knew her struggle, told her he did not want anything in return, and said it makes him happy to give to his friends and family. This experience helped her see things differently.
Her healing journey really began at age forty when she started learning how to reconnect with herself, her needs, and her feelings and started healing the trauma she was carrying. She also learned how to ask for support, which was not easy at the beginning. Some people got mad at her, and some people were happy to fulfill her requests and needs. Instead of blaming and shaming herself for believing she had to do everything on her own, she made peace with the part of her that felt it did not need anybody. By listening to its fears she started understanding why it thought she needed protecting. It revealed to her the pain it felt of being rejected, hurt, and screamed at for having human feelings and needs and that it did not want to experience that pain again.
As she listened to this part of herself with compassion, she acknowledged and validated the fear and pain it experienced, thanked it for doing what it was doing, and let it know it was now loved and safe. She asked it what it really wanted, and it said it wanted to have true connections, to feel safe with and receive support from others, but it was afraid. This younger part of her was stuck in perspective from her childhood wounding and the experience with the guy she was dating. By giving this part of herself a chance to speak and tell its intentions, she was able to help it have a new understanding and feel loved and safe.
She also began to have a more realistic view of who is and who is not safe instead of seeing no one as safe based on outdated neuroprogramming from her past traumas, hurts, and pains. Being ultra-independent did help her heal from all those years of struggling with anorexia, depression, and anxiety. Even after twenty-three years of going in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and doing traditional therapy and nothing working, she finally took her healing into her own hands, and she did most of it on her own. However, even doing it on her own, she found it was also helpful to be in a loving and supportive environment with people who did not try to fix, control, or save her.
People are not meant to be or do life alone, but being alone can be comforting if they fear being hurt by others. This does not mean people should force themselves to ask for and receive support from others, especially if they are afraid. It means they need to create a loving and caring relationship with themselves and understand where the need to be ultra-independent is coming from as a first step toward letting people in. A great question to ask is why it is not okay to receive support. Be with that part of yourself, allow it to show you what it believes, and take time to listen with compassion. Then ask it what it really wants and needs. Receiving support is not about being totally dependent on others; that is just a setup for frustration and disappointment. It is also important to learn how to be independent and meet one’s own needs. It is not either-or; it is both. Learning how to connect with feelings and needs and how to communicate them and make requests is also important.
