The author recalls a childhood memory of dusk, when old sodium streetlights turned the world a yellow monochrome, a moment that always made them sad. One evening, their father asked why they became quiet. The father then suggested getting an ice cream in the village. They rode a bicycle to the shop just before it closed. Standing under a lantern in the snow, the father enjoyed his ice cream and said, “Lekker he?” (Delicious, huh?). The author felt the father was acknowledging they both felt the same sadness together.
Now thirty years old, the author lost their father to cancer ten years ago. They reflect that growing up felt like those evenings: as time passed, the world lost some of its color. Broken hearts, bad decisions, and unspoken words accumulate. The author wondered how to cope with this and how to stay light-hearted like a child, resisting bitterness.
In their twenties, the author tried various methods to fight off embitterment: philosophy, art, powerlifting, trading, traveling, filmmaking, and writing. A mentor in art school once said, “Being a romantic in this world is one of the hardest things you can do.” The author did well outwardly but still felt the weight of the past. The more they searched for answers, the bleaker the world seemed. The monochrome feeling became constant.
During a difficult period, the author spoke with a woman who seemed full of light and color. She had a tea box with playful names like Namastea and empatea. They laughed together. She told the author, “You are simply a man who comes and goes, exploring as genuinely as he can. Why not continue exploring?” The author realized they had stopped looking for questions and only sought answers.
The unknown, once a friend in childhood, had become an enemy. But in a state of hopelessness, the author found they had nothing left to lose. The unknown became the only place that still felt alive. The author and their partner walked backwards for two months across northern Spain on the Camino de Santiago to experience embracing the unknown. They found that by slowing down, nothing terrible happened, and they felt lighter and freer. They then left Amsterdam and moved to a remote area in Panama. In solitude, the author confronted their unwillingness to accept things as they are and their need to make sense of a bleak world.
Learning more about their father from others, the author discovered he had also struggled with existence. On that evening with the ice cream, the father did not try to fix the sadness. He simply decided that the monochrome world was not a reason to skip enjoying vanilla with sprinkles. Recently, sitting in Panama with their partner, the author said, “Lekker he?” They realized they were living in the same place their father had been: not above the world or against it, but inside it, enjoying something nice with someone they love.
