The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once described anxiety as the dizziness of freedom. A writer has detailed a lifelong relationship with anxiety, clarifying that his account is not an exercise in positive thinking or a suggestion that silver linings make everything okay. He rejects what some call toxic positivity.
This is an account of what he has learned from something that will not go away. He notes that at times the anxiety spikes and feels almost crippling, making it hard to appreciate any lessons in the moment. He stresses that learning from anxiety is not an endorsement of it, stating he would trade every lesson for less anxiety.
The writer traces his anxiety to a childhood incident in the 1980s. While playing unsupervised tackle football, he witnessed a player’s pants being pulled down during a tackle, exposing him. While others laughed, the writer was terrified it would happen to him. He began tying his pants extremely tight with a string, which made his stomach hurt.
He started feeling sick before playing football, before school, and before everything. He notes that in the eighties and nineties, people did not discuss mental health as they do now. He was simply seen as the kid who threw up before school. His anxiety has become more noticeable in recent years, possibly worsening after having COVID in 2020 and 2021, forcing him to deal with it more mindfully.
First, anxiety has taught him to be present. The intense presence of high anxiety roots him in the moment. He finds that when he is completely present with the physiological sensations, he can see how his mind turns them into the emotion of anxiety, which is where his suffering originates.
Second, it has taught him about control. He acknowledges that while he cannot control the things he believes create anxiety, he can control his response to them. Anxiety forces him to do this intentionally. It also puts his mind on something bigger than himself, reminding him he is not in charge of everything.
Third, anxiety teaches him to maintain good habits and boundaries. When feeling good, he allows habits to slip and lets unhealthy people have a more prominent role in his life. Anxiety spikes remind him that unhealthiness has consequences, prompting him to clean house.
Fourth, it reminds him how important growth is. After cleaning house, he looks for new projects. Over the past three years, intense waves of anxiety made this difficult, but he sees progress as new habits and projects come to fruition. This led him to let his counseling license go inactive to focus on less stressful life coaching and to improve his diet and exercise.
Fifth, anxiety taught him to be gentle. When experiencing high anxiety, he feels fragile, which helps him understand how others might feel in the face of his usual bluntness. He recognizes he becomes gentler with everyone when he is anxious.
Sixth, it taught him to slow down and ask for help. He learned that an anxiety spike is not the time to make big decisions, as quick decisions often lead to other consequences. He now slows down, is intentional, and talks things out with someone else, a practice he was not previously inclined to do.
Seventh, anxiety helps him speed up. He clarifies this by referencing a quote from folk singer Joan Baez: Action is the antidote to anxiety. For tasks that bring anxiety, like certain phone calls, taking prompt action is the way through.
The writer’s experience underscores a complex relationship with a persistent condition. His reflections offer a personal look at managing anxiety’s challenges without minimizing its difficulties. The process of adapting to ongoing anxiety involves continuous adjustment in habits, perspective, and interpersonal interactions, according to his account.
